I have been thinking today about what's sustainable. What's the point? Where am I headed? Am I enjoying the ride? I have been reading The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. From 350lb., she battled the bulge and (if I am recalling correctly) stopped at ~ 175 lbs., where she maintains her weight in the equivalent of a US size 12. This is five pounds more than I weigh now and the size I wear (and increasingly, a size 10, if I can find them in the back of my closet somewhere). The irony has to be obvious. Here I am trying to shrink myself, and she's happy enough to live in the very land I am trying to leave. What’s up with that?
I think, we each live in our own skin. I have to decide for myself. I wonder what self-acceptance means. Can I look in the mirror and really love deeply the person who I am. Even that roll of fat which used to spill over the waistband of my too-tight jeans? I shrank that part of me - burned away the fat, and I don't miss it. I am glad to see in the mirror that the jeans aren't so tight anymore and when they're zipped, I haven't squished myself up and out like sausage in a casing. I think, I honor myself with more reverence when I feed myself very well, regularly with high-quality nutrition.
I think, I honor myself more deeply when I move my body regularly - strengthen my heart muscles, circulate my blood, increase my lung capacity, and make stronger arms and legs and abs.
I practice deep self-acceptance when I accept that anyone swimming in my gene pool has a predisposition for diabetes. And in acceptance of that risk, I change how and what I eat and I exercise regularly - and these actions allow my blood sugar levels to return to normal fasting levels.
It’s not just for vanity that I am reducing the fat I carry. It’s not just for ego that I’ve set some sports goals for myself. And I am willing to work harder during the renovation phase of this construction project. It’s not a sustainable pace – I eat less than my maintenance level, in order to reduce fat. I can say, though, it’s sustainable in the sense that I am willing to work harder than usual to get to the maintenance phase of the project. Actually, it’s a new “usual” that I am trying to create. I am trying to bring within an internal awareness of what’s enough – how to plan and prepare food that nourishes me. This work will bring me to a place where I can stop cringing at the camera or at who I see in my vacation pictures. And even if my weight didn’t change, I now feel more compassion for the person in those pictures. So, I can stop cringing now. I don’t have to wait until later. This is a gift of Grace that is in my life right now.
And I am having a wonderful time working out – in everything I do, I am having fun. I love the endorphin buzz. I love the feeling of competence, of strength, of capacity. I can. I am. I am enough.